hotel room ftw
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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