I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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