so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Houston, we have a squirter
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
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