It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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