I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My vagina just clenched in fear
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
