I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
