i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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