we're chasing vodka with high fives
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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