the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
