I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
