Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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