Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
