I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
