Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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