I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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