i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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