They should really pass out barf bags in church
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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