every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Randomize
