I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
