NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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