I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
