There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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