I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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