You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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