the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
