Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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