The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
