The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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