Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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