I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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