I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
