yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
are you so shy because you have an std?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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