she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize