My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
