I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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