omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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