highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
