dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
