i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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