i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
