I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
