I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's rum buckets o'clock
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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