Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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