Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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