I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
