3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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