youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
