i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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