oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
