a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
