I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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