Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
