What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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