im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
