I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
