Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize