Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
