woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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