the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
