Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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