What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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