He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
