My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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