so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
