her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
