We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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