Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
