"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Randomize
