So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
