I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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