Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
