I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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